january 13, 2017

“If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.” ~ Unknown

I worked my butt off today. I laughed, had great conversations, paid out a small fortune, but even that wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I was told I’m surely 10 years younger than I am. I didn’t pay extra for that unsolicited compliment. Bonus! The day went like this: Über-nice plumber Dan from Barkley Blevins arrived at 8am. I explained the two problems. 1. The washer was draining into the floor Wednesday night and 2. The toilet has been running… for a year. I would have fixed it sooner, but it had already been “fixed” three times. Let me just say that I learned a lot about plumbing. For example, if you have a clog anywhere in the house it’s likely at the washer (think lint). In my case the clog was so bad that water had backed up in all the pipes throughout the house including the kitchen sink running through the outside wall. When our temps fell to single digits last week, that drain pipe froze, and because it was already clogged, I didn’t notice (in my defense, no one would have). When we thawed out Wednesday, the pipe cracked. Every time I used the sink, water poured into the wall, not the sewer. Also, never use liquid drain cleaner. It will eat through your pipes (that wasn’t my problem, but it came up in conversation). Use vinegar or baking soda instead. If that doesn’t unclog the drain, just stop what you’re doing and call a plumber. All of this advice is free, and you’re welcome <snort>.

Now, get your scorecard and follow along. Dan Dan The Plumber Man (who thought I was no more than 43) calls his totally awesome colleague Justin to bring a new toilet because it was cheaper to replace the entire toilet than repair the old one. Meanwhile, as Dan was unclogging the washer drain, rerouting the kitchen drain, and Justin was replacing the toilet, Bill and Austin from Door-Tech came to fix the garage door that Bill fixed last week, that as it turned out wasn’t really fixed, which I discovered just before the washer emptied into the floor Wednesday night. By 10am my house looked like the parking lot of Home Depot.

Dan and Justin and Bill and Austin (who didn’t charge me a dime but gave me a hug instead) had me all fixed up by noon. They left. The dryer was sitting in the middle of the kitchen. Shelves were dismantled, mud and water tracked stem to stern, lint galor. Basically, the house was trashed. There was just enough time for lunch before taking the fur babies to the vet for their annual vaccine appointments. Wally and Leo are easy. For Lilly, however, this is an annual purging-from-both-ends-heavy-panting-unrelated-to-pleasure event. Mind you, the vet is only a mile from the house, but to Lilly, we might as well be flying to Mars without oxygen. So, I made two trips: one for the cats, and one for Wally. I enlisted Stacy’s help with the cats because of the aforementioned distress. She graciously agreed. Of course, Dr. Hardigree a.k.a. Aunt Millie, is just awesome as can be, so we spent nearly two hours talking. The pets just happened to be with me. Then, it was back to the house to scrub the gross off the floors, do some long-overdue laundry, and admire the new toilet. And that, my friends, took me well into the evening. Like I said, it was a busy day!

Let me tell you about this glorious new throne. It’s taller (ADA), and has power flush. I have laughed out loud at this thing all day, even snorted a time or two. As I said on facebook, “If you have cats or small children nearby when it flushes, you will never see them again. It will suck them into the sewage abyss never to be heard from again.” I pull the handle, the bathroom floor vibrates, and I laugh like a 10 year old. (Clearly, it doesn’t take much to entertain me) A couple of times today I flushed it when there was nothing in the bowl but water just to laugh. It. Is. Hilarious.  Now, you’re wondering what’s up with the toilet outside, aren’t you? That’s the old toilet. Dan the Plumber Man and I were saying last rites over it on the front porch when I said, “I ought to make it a flower pot.” Dan showed me how to use the tank as a self watering device, and then he moved it to the backyard for me. Let’s face it: if anybody should have a toilet in their yard, it’s me! I’m going to start with the flower pot idea and see what develops. I’m open to suggestions. The toilet won’t be staying where it is. I put it near the house so I can laugh every time I walk outside. So, that’s the Cliff Notes version of my day. I spent an awful lot of money – far less than it could have been for which I am truly grateful, I met really good people, had more belly laughs than ought to be allowed, and even have the makings of an outhouse in my yard. Friday the 13th was no match for me!

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